Reinventions

I have always been a restless soul. Never quite content with who I was, always hoping I could be different, always hoping I could be more. With a nod to this drive, I often tried on mini-reinventions. As a teen, it was the edgier clothing choices. As a young adult, it was the punkish hair styles, the changing hair colors, the body piercings, the tattoos.

I somehow wanted to be an enigma and a cause of surprise. I wanted people to see that you can’t judge a book by its cover while I rocked the punk hairdo and made As in college. I tried changing my voice. I tried drawing attention to myself. I tried hiding. I tried shocking. I tried excelling.

In retrospect, I see that many of those attempts at toying with reinvention were tests of the strength of the love of those around me. They were trial runs for my coming out. They ultimately served to make me bold enough to make that first real life-changing reinvention.

How vividly I remember seeing seeing the “Leaving Albuquerque City Limits” sign on the right side of the freeway as I drove into Tijeras Canyon on my way to a new life. I look back on that moment as one of the best moments of my life. That moment was the culmination of leaving a career with little prospects, breaking free from a superstitious belief system, moving on from a small-minded environment, beginning to step out of that terribly confining closet. It marked the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.

I look back on that moment with immense pride. Since moving beyond those borders, I have been able to build a solid career, I have led a group of people doing important work, I have seen the world, I have been exposed to people of various backgrounds and beliefs, I have made profound friendships. I have been more true to myself.

Once again I find myself on the verge of major reinvention–closing one chapter–opening a new one. As I step into retirement [I prefer the Spanish ‘jubilación’ but more on that later], I anticipate the adventures that lay ahead. I am excited about stepping into this time of life in which my time is my own–a time in which I can contribute to my world in a way that is more in line with my authentic self–a time in which I move beyond my current borders.

Twenty years from now, I plan to look back on this chapter of my life and be able to honestly title it Spencer, sin fronteras!